That kind of tired

That kind of tired that makes you tired
just thinking of doing something, anything and even nothing

That kind of tired that makes you fat
That makes you hungry, cranky and oftentimes spacey

That kind of tired that eats the life out of you
That nothings seems to be exciting anymore
That makes you think, "is this it"?

That kind of tired that makes you feel shallow
So shallow and selfish because you know a lot of people have it worse

That kind of tired that makes you numb
So numb, that you wish for drama

That kind of tired that is sad.
The sad kind of tired, you can't even cry anymore

i woke up at 12:40pm today.  i love saturdays. because that means i can wake up late. i almost didn't make it to frisbee training.  but i need my exercise.

i had a weird dream last night.  its seems that i hooked up with david hasselfhoff. i mean of all the movie starts?!? i don't have a thing for him, or for any older men. i wonder why him :p 

toughest place to be

i love bbc documentaries.  you can often catch me watching science stuff, but tonight i stumbled upon a bbd series on the worlds toughest place to be. it features London professional labourers working on the same jobs but in third world conditions.

the episode on the bus driver touch me the most.  aside from featuring manila, i think the british bus driver really saw the hardships of filipinos and i can believe that he is really shaken to his core.

its a shame, but actually i can relate more to the british bus driver than to the local.  i guess I'm living first world in a third world country. i am not rich, but i have a good job.  i have experienced poverty and I'm so blessed to get out of it.

at first i was amused how this british driver was so shocked and bewildered seeing the traffic here. i actually think im a better driver than he is :p but what is sad, is that i can relate to him feeling bad about the jeepney driver.  i feel guilty for not doing anything to help my country. i guess since i grew up here, its somewhat normal to me. i feel so selfish. I'm so busy worrying about my petty first world problems.  

i dont know how to help. you will never see me give money to street children, not because i dont what to help, but im sure by giving them money, im just encouraging them to beg more.  i have volunteered and gave to charities that supports education.  i want to help more. but i just dont know how.   :/

i have to detach my emotions from my work.  thats the problem of knowing too much i guess.  and the problem of being the middle manager.

arrggh. missed training again because of work. that's what frustrates me the most. hay first world pains...

over tinkering

thanks for the long weekend, i finally had time for myself again. i visited my mom, played badminton with officemates, hang out with them, and i even got to play disc! i can't believe its been a month since i've trained ultimate.

drinking sessions with officemates is really a bad idea. i guess, my officemates, or actually most of my friends, do not really know me. i hope i didn't scare them. sometimes, i forget that what is normal for me is not really what you would call normal for them.  or maybe, the things that i experienced made me so messed up, that it distorted my view of what is normal.  or maybe, i just don't know my friends that well also, that they too have their own secret life as well. one thing i know for sure.. i overthink.. a lot.

one conversation led to another, and then we got into the marriage talk. for the first time, i met a person with a similar view.  i don't believe in marriage. for me, its just a paper, that would cost you 200k bucks to get invalidated.   but i do believe in commitment. i just think that you do not need a formal contract for that.  im not against it, i just dont believe in it.  its a gesture of commitment. i just hate it when people do it for the wrong reasons.  i have heard a lot of marriages that is shorter than my f***d up relationship.  then again, people do crazy things when they are in love. :p  again, im not against marriage.  i would love to be married to the right person. the problem is, in my life, i've met only 2 guys who i think i can marry. but both of them are too good for me. i don't deserve them :p the irony! haha. but i feel very lucky to call them my friends.

its good to hang out with single people older than me. at least, no questions on when i plan to have a family. i just don't get it why people ask me that. like its possible to be planned out.  i do sometimes think about having children. i can always adopt if i really want to. but hello, i don't even dare get a cat   because i don't like responsibility.  i just sometimes feel that i might not get to live my life fully, because i will be missing the experience of being a mother.

i guess this is what God (or the universe) has planned for me.  my mom and dad might be disappointed because i don't have my own family at my age.  i hope they realise that i feel very blessed, and God will give me all the tools i need in living my life He intended for me.

hello again

hello blog. sorry for the surprise visit. i know it's been a while.  i haven't really been opening up with you lately.  thought i'll drop some lines here today, just to capture this moment of realisation.

see, i've been reading our past entires. we've been through a lot. happy times and the nots. i can also remember the things that i didn't tell you, because its just too painful, and others shameful.

reading you makes me realise how far i've grown. i hope this means for the better. I'm not quite sure actually.

3 years ago, i thought i have changed a lot compared to my 6 years ago self. but now, comparing myself 3 years ago, i again transformed into a different person.  Now I'm excited what I will be 3 years from now. :)